Resources
Domestic violence and abuse prevention.
Domestic Violence Resources
Why didn't she just leave?
Now, I tell everyone I talk to about it all the time to bring awareness and change. That is what Phoebe would want me to do.
Why did not not leave.
If you are being abused, you can get the help you need and you can get it started right now simply by calling [FIRST 911 if your life is in immediate danger] or the 24-hour National Domestic Violence Hotline, 1-800-799-7233.
The hardest pill for many to swallow is that a victim of domestic abuse is just as likely to be a sister, friend, cousin, or anyone you know suffering in silence. [Phoebe was someone you would think was too smart to put up with the abuse. In her diary, she kept hoping that her husband would change because she loved him. When he was nice, he was extremely nice. I remember seeing him ironing her dress for a function one time. However, when he was angry, he was extremely violent. She was living with Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde.] Sometimes, those closest to the victim don’t see the problem until it is too late, or sometimes we can be so busy with our own lives that we fail to see the signs. [We knew that they had arguments, but we did not know that he was abusing her.]
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Domestic violence cuts across all racial, social economic, religious and ethnic lines. Abuse comes in many forms, physical, sexual and emotional. Most victims are women, but women can abuse men and a person also can be abused by someone of the same gender. Therefore, please do everything you can to protect yourself and your children.
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Domestic violence is about unhealthy relationships and the struggle for power and control. It’s about a lack of self-esteem that makes some women and men overlook the pushing, name-calling, yelling, threats and hitting. It is about controlling the relationship, cutting off contact from family and friends and becoming the center of the victim’s world. After everything calms down, the batterer tries everything to win the victim’s forgiveness, sometimes with gifts but only to repeat the cycle again in the future. Physical, mental and emotional abuse is disguised as LOVE.
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While dating, look for the signs of an abuser (physical or verbal abuse and control). While in a relationship, know the warning signs of an abuser and confront the issue the first time it happens. He must know that you will not tolerate such behavior. Don’t be in denial that he will not abuse you again, because he will.
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The abuser feels that he is always the victim. He will always say that you made him do it, or the next day he will say it was the alcohol or drugs. Either way, you shouldn’t be living with someone that goes off like that. If the abuser does kill, it is usually violent and brutal, because he will take all of his aggression out on the victim.
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If you are not able to leave the abusive relationship right away, make a plan to leave at an opportune time. Take pictures of your bruises with your cell phone and email it to someone. You will be able to show it to the police after the bruises heal. It will also remind you about the abuse. Do not let it leak out to the abuser that you have documented pictures.
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The victim may choose to leave, but women are in the most danger after they get out of an abusive relationship. Therefore, do not take stalking lightly. It could end in death. Sometimes even a court issued protective order does not help. If a person is stalking, once he encounters you, it is possible that he will take physical action to control you. Usually the abuser will ask to see the children promising that he will not hurt them. If he slapped you around, he will slap the children around. Sometimes those children are killed in retaliation. Also, the victim then worries about the batterer harming other family members. However, if the victim is murdered, the family members will hurt and suffer anyway for a lifetime.
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Do not put other family or friends in danger by asking them to help you move before the abuser returns home. He might walk in unexpectedly. If you want someone to standby while you move your things, call the police.
Mental and physical toll.
Domestic violence effects battered women mentally. Battered women’s symptoms may include chronic pain, poor sleep, headaches, abdominal and gynecologic problems, depression, anxiety, alcohol or drug abuse and even suicide attempts. The victim becomes emotionally and physically stuck, living in fear, scared to stay and scared to leave. Please talk to abuse professionals, local authorities and trusted family members in your community to develop a safety plan before leaving the mate. [We are in a different age now. There are people out there to help.]
Domestic violence is also child abuse. It affects the children’s productivity in school and also affects the workplace or church attendance, such as lack of attendance, eating disorders and the ability to concentrate. Sometimes the abuser shows up at work. [After Phoebe’s death, her coworkers said that her husband would call her office phone repeatedly when he was upset with her. This made her nervous, and she was not able to function properly at work.]
Community involvement.
If you hear your neighbor being abuse, call 911. It doesn’t matter if it is the umpteen time. It might be the last time for the victim. There is more domestic violence going on with families in the church today. Establish support groups at church and keep church security alerted. Let members know it will not be tolerated. It will be exposed. We have support groups in churches for alcohol anonymous, weight watchers, etc. – why not domestic violence prevention or support. [After Phoebe’s death, her neighbors said that occasionally they would hear her husband beating her and them arguing. However, no one thought to call the police.]
If at work or school, be observant. There are always telltale signs and symptoms of abuse. Sometimes the victim will start to tell, but will stop. Ask questions, she might open up to you.
"You don't have to be the next victim."
We firmly believe that violence and abuse is preventable and can be stopped. Don’t ignore the signs of abuse. If you see something, say something.
